Why won’t Clara go outside?

They say snake plants don’t die, or certainly that it’s really hard to kill one. They thrive on neglect as most succulents do, they don’t require much water or attention, just a bit of light. Yet the small plant in the pink plant pot on Clara’s window sill was withering away. This is because Clara kept her blinds and curtains shut at all times.

Clara had been in bed for three hours since she woke up. She supposed that, at some point, she should get up. It must have been around eleven am but Clara’s room was dark as night. She felt icky under the covers, her limbs felt stiff, she wanted to get up. But getting up was much easier said than done. As long as she stayed under the covers she was safe, as long as her blinds stayed closed she didn’t have to face the world outside. This is how Clara preferred things. Safe. Cosy. Hidden.

No. Not today.

Clara forced herself to sit up, putting her phone down to stretch. Today was going to be different. Today she would venture outside the confines of her suffocating comfort zone. It felt like she had been stuck on pause for days, or maybe weeks on end. In a routine. Clara had watched what felt like every season of every show on Netflix and had played every terrible mobile game her phone recommended. She had so many unfinished books that she had run out of bookmarks and started cutting out whatever postcards she had to use instead. The tiny spider in the corner of the room had been more productive than her. It was time to be brave. Starting with opening her blinds.

A cloudless sky greeted her outside, her favourite shade of blue. The sun was out to create the illusion of a warm day. Clara decided to wear a strawberry pattern shirt with jeans and her favourite pink trainers. She put a hair clip in the shape of a green flower in her hair to complete the look. Feeling comfortable was essential when leaving the house, a warm coat or a cosy cardigan made all the difference. Clara knew this from experience, from trying many types of clothes and fashion styles, an uncomfortable outfit only added onto her stress. On difficult days Clara liked to wear her mother’s old coat because it felt like getting a hug. All of this was one giant defensive tactic, of course. She made sure to pack her phone, keys, headphones, wallet and a book in her tote bag, as well as to wear a comfortable coat to avoid the early November cold.

The world was a scary place, people were often mean and there were all these rules and social conventions that seemed to come so naturally to everyone else. Just thinking about it made Clara want to stay inside. Every bone in her body was telling her to go back to her room, that there was no reason to go out there. Instead, she decided to rip off the bandaid. In one swift motion Clara had opened the door and stepped outside, closing it behind her so that she wouldn’t walk back in. These things are all about your mindset. She thought. Have a positive attitude and you’ll have a positive day. She started walking.

The local highstreet was about a fifteen minute walk, that seemed like an achievable goal for today. Half an hour walk there and back. If she felt calm enough she could even go to the local park which was a further five minutes away. The world seemed vast and full of possibility, so much to see and do. Clara smiled to herself thinking about all the things she could possibly do. That’s when she saw him. Clara had met him a few times, he was a friend of a friend who would sometimes hang out with Clara’s old friend group. It had been a while since she last saw him, so his name had completely slipped her mind. She vaguely remembered something along the lines of “Huebert” but was almost entirely sure that wasn’t his name.

Huebert was wearing headphones. He was leaning against a tree and his eyes were closed as his head bopped to whatever music he was listening to. Clara knew that normal people wave at friends, or acquaintances when seeing them in public. That was the nice thing to do. Though, Huebert’s eyes were closed, so would he even notice? But if he opened them in time to see her walk past without acknowledging him it would be incredibly rude. This was troublesome. Clara stopped for a split second to wave, but Huebert’s eyes were still closed. She left quickly, hoping to go unnoticed and feeling just a slight bit of sickly stress building up in her stomach.

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Somewhere along the fifteen minute walk, Clara had decided it would be a good idea to cook today. She went into the local shop to pick up a few ingredients and snacks. Luckily, today was a weekday so the shops were not busy. In fact they were practically empty except for her and a few students from the local college. Something had always bothered Clara about the artificial lighting in these places, it somehow made the shops seem smaller and stuffy. Things were moved around constantly to make customers wander around endlessly and pick up things they did not need. Products at eye level placed strategically as an advertising opportunity, the products people tend to need are never usually at eye level. Clara had read somewhere about all this subliminal merchandising that supermarkets did, in this instance she would have preferred to be blissfully unaware.

Sweet potatoes, some frozen veggies, colourful pasta, tomato and mascarpone sauce. Microwavable popcorn and chocolate buttons. A reduced cheesecake and some vanilla yoghurt. Clara had gathered quite the random selection of items through her walk around the store, some of which were a good idea and others which were definitely not. On occasion she had to stop herself from getting things she didn’t need, that was the worst part of shopping. But Clara was entirely sure she did not need rosemary and she had no idea what to do with rhubarb.

By the time she reached the self checkouts she had already felt exhausted from wandering the store and from thinking. Clara sometimes struggled with the concept of the complicated world she found herself in, where buying an avocado meant destroying the environment. She made sure to do her research, to only buy free range meat and eggs and other produce. To choose organic fruit and vegetables when she could afford it. Being a good person was difficult when they made all the ethical and healthy food so expensive. She walked into the area with all the self checkouts but they all seemed to be shut off. Perhaps this store was understaffed so there was no one to keep watch of the self checkouts. Maybe it was an issue with the systems. Nevertheless, Clara would have to go to the normal till.

A queue had formed with only one till being open, but the queue was moving quite quickly because nobody seemed to be buying much. Clara patiently waited her turn. She put her products on the conveyor belt and used one of those dividers so the person behind her could place theirs down too. This was going quite well, for once Clara was behaving like a normal person. That awful feeling in her stomach had died down when she got to the cashier. He started a friendly conversation about the weather today while scanning the items, and she opened her tote bag to put things away. Clara was not a great conversationalist, in fact she preferred to stay quiet unless absolutely necessary. One thing she did know about conversations is that people usually made eye contact. This is something she found agonisingly difficult, so she usually avoided eye contact. But something told her to be brave today, and she looked up.

As soon as she met the eyes of The Cashier, Clara regretted this decision immensely. How long was she supposed to look for? Had she already stared too long? Were her eyes open too wide? Was she being weird? Did the Cashier notice she was being weird? Was she holding up the queue with this nonsense? Why was she doing this? Clara darted her eyes away, but even that raised questions. Like was she looking around too much now? Did she seem insane? In all this chaos Clara realised she had forgotten to respond to the last thing the cashier said, the poor guy was just doing his job and she was making things difficult. Without another word, Clara paid and left the store.

⚘⚘⚘

That feeling in her stomach had evolved into a headache. Clara sat down on a bench nearby to calm down and decide what to do next. This feeling would surely go away if she ignored it. The fresh air was probably healthy anyway, and the weather today was too nice to waste. Clara decided to push forward. A small voice in her head told her she needed to go home now, it was like an impending feeling of doom spread across her whole body. As she got off the bench she subconsciously started heading in the direction of her house. Clara had to snap out of it and turn around, ignoring the fact that people were probably looking at the weirdo who had just started walking in one direction only to immediately turn around. She would be going to the park today, after all.

Clara hated crossing the road, it was too awkward. But the way to the park led through a crossroad. Clara didn’t like pressing the button on pedestrian lights, it would be selfish to stop all these cars just for one person to cross. She didn’t like it when people stopped to let her cross either, because she felt like she was wasting their time. Even when all the cars were stopped she didn’t like to cross in front of them just in case they needed to go. This usually led to her walks being extended by a few minutes which consisted of her walking down the road to cross behind the cars. All of this was incredibly irrational, and Clara knew it. But she couldn’t stop it. In the end she managed to cross because somebody else had pressed the pedestrian crossing button. She had made it to the park.

Putting down her coat as a blanket, she sat down and took the book she had been reading recently out of her tote bag. This was quite pleasant, ignoring the cold. Out here Clara could actually concentrate on what she was reading rather than thinking about everything else but the story. At home she usually had to go back over and reread pages because her mind was always in about three different places at once. This environment was keeping her in the moment. Any day that the sun is out is a great day, its warm light makes the world look like a warm and happy place. Parents walked by with children rushing excitedly to the nearby playground, the sound of chatter and joy filled the air. For once, “outside” seemed like a place Clara wanted to be rather than a danger zone to be avoided at all costs.

All of this was interrupted by the laughter of two girls on a nearby bench. Clara had seen them earlier in the store, and they seemed to be looking in her direction. Were they laughing at her? Clara pushed down the thought. Of course not. They were probably laughing at something else. That was the reasonable answer here. The laughing continued. Clara tried to concentrate on the story she was reading but the sound made her stomach turn. She could no longer make sense of the words on the page she was reading, she could understand them all but she couldn’t process what they meant. This was no use. Clara really needed to go home now. There was no other option.

Her legs felt like gelatin as she stood up, a weak arm reached down for her coat. Clara could suddenly feel the air get colder. All the noises around her became a loud, jumbled mess. Everything began to irritate her ever so slightly and her breathing became heavy. Her emotions overwhelmed her until her thoughts went completely blank.

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Clara must have dissociated because she did not remember the walk home from the park, it felt like she had snapped out of a trance and suddenly she was in her room again. The only sign that this day had even happened was the tote bag still full of food next to her bed. This was nothing uncommon, and Clara wasn’t particularly worried. Dissociation was normal when everything became too much to handle. She was just glad to be home once again.

Social Anxiety felt like a little creature with an annoying voice in Clara’s brain, one that never went away. It was persistent and scary and it caused her to feel like a dysfunctional human being. At the push of a button it could cause her to have a complete meltdown or on the other end of the spectrum it could cause her to get completely lost in her thoughts. Some days it felt like the little creature had found a megaphone, on those days Clara couldn’t do anything, her mind was consumed by anxiety. Other days it felt more like a whisper that could be kept under control. It was quiet sometimes, but never for long. It blew everything so far out of proportion that every possible social situation became a massive deal. The logical part of her brain knew she was being completely irrational but that wasn’t enough to keep the creature under control. Over the years Clara had learned to deal with it, but she had also learned that it wasn’t going anywhere and that she would have to be stronger instead, to push past it whenever she could.

Her legs were still weak as she got up from the bed, that sickly feeling in her stomach hadn’t quite faded yet. She felt exhausted. But she had to put away all the food in the kitchen and find something productive to do to take her mind off today’s events. It felt quite silly, that laughter of all things had been her last straw today. It wasn’t a good idea to think of that right now, the events of today were still too fresh in her mind and she needed a break. Maybe she would try going outside again tomorrow, maybe she would be too anxious. No. Clara decided she would definitely try going outside again tomorrow. She would use the rest of today to gather up her strength and tomorrow would be a much better day.

Clara used her phone to search up “How to revive a snake plant”, she found she would have to mimic its natural environment. She decided watering the plant would be a good start for the time being, she trimmed some of the dead brown ends to allow the plant to grow back healthy. Maybe she could try speaking positively to it, like in that experiment where a plant grew healthy with positive words whereas the one that had been spoken to in a mean manner hardly grew at all. The plant had been lovingly named “Gertrude” when Clara brought it. Snake Plants are stubborn, they’re fighters. They produce oxygen and remove harmful toxins from the air. Clara had brought it for its oxygen producing qualities and also because she had heard it’s easy to take care of. She had been scared to take care of a living thing when she was barely taking care of herself, but something about seeing the little plant made it worth it. So far she hadn’t been very good at taking care of this plant.But it deserved proper care So Clara decided that her and Gertrude would have to heal together from now on.