My experience with PCOS

I could not stop gaining weight. For months I desperately tried every “miracle diet”, I went to gym, I researched weight loss threads online constantly but nothing helped. Being healthier simply wasn’t cutting it, I kept gaining and gaining weight and eventually I gave up altogether. All this, of course, was accompanied by the incessant guilt of weight gain. The mindset that it was all my fault, that I had completely let myself go and I could never go back. My binge eating habits and unhealthy food cravings definitely couldn’t have helped, but no matter how hard I tired the weight would not come off. In fact, there was a point where I genuinely ate healthier and I still kept going up on the stupid scale. Until I developed a fear of scales altogether.

Ten kilograms in a matter of months. That’s how much I had gained. And the number only kept going up, although I am not quite comfortable sharing just by how much. I was told by the people around me to go and get a blood test done. That if nothing was working the problem may be hormonal. For over a year I ignored them. The shame around gaining weight had a firm grasp on me and I was so convinced that it was all my fault that I thought it was unnecessary to waste time with blood tests. Part of me also didn’t want to know if there was something wrong with me. I wanted to continue believing that I was the cause of my weight gain and ignore the possibility of something worse at play.

I remember getting the blood test done, preparing for the worst as I anxiously awaited the results. I was at work when I got the phone call- most of my hormones were fine but there was one that was unusually high- Testosterone. I finally had a name for my problem. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - also known as PCOS.

For those who aren’t aware what PCOS entails (I certainly didn’t): It’s a condition that affects the hormone production of women, particularly with having abnormal levels of male hormones. It’s actually not very uncommon and is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. It cannot be cured but there are treatments available for the symptoms.

Symptoms Include:

• Irregular Periods.

• Infertility.

• Cysts in the Ovaries.

• Excess body hair (on the face, chest, stomach and back.)

• Weight Gain.

• Cystic Acne.

• Thinning hair.

• Constant tiredness and sleep problems.

• Mood swings.

• Uncontrollable cravings.

Of course there are many other symptoms, and not everyone will experience all of them. If you are worried I recommend doing research and getting a blood test to be sure.

Perhaps I was lucky that I was at work when I got the news, because I was too busy to really process what I’d just been told. I had a few hours of calm before the storm. It was only when I was left alone to my thoughts that I really spiralled.

This is where I was really forced to confront my ideas about femininity and my grasp of myself. Being told I had high testosterone really messed with my self image- and I have never felt less feminine.

What I’m about to say is extremely stupid and incorrect, but this is how I felt at the time.

Too much testosterone- how humiliating. For years I had been so convinced of my own femininity and now my self-image was crumbling. Women have estrogen and men have testosterone, that’s what I’d always been taught. And the hairiness thing? The acne? I felt disgusting.

It took me a while to get out of this toxic mindset. Now that I understand the condition better I know there’s nothing disgusting or embarrassing about it. And my high levels of testosterone definitely don’t make me any less feminine- the very idea that my femininity relies on hormones is stupid. Of course, our ideas of femininity, masculinity and gender in general are so arbitrary that it’s ridiculous. I hate the terms “feminine woman” and “masculine man” wholeheartedly because they’re so loaded. We need to stop placing ourselves in these little boxes of expectations and just exist, otherwise we’ll only be miserable.

Once I was able to get over that hurdle, once I accepted it, I was truly able to start dealing with the problem face on. I began by researching.

Perhaps the fact PCOS is so common worked in my favour - in this instance anyway. I was very quickly able to find an incredible community of women experiencing the same problems as me. A community of women so willing to help each other that I haven’t felt alone since discovering it. Thanks to the wonderful people willing to post information and tips for people with PCOS I have been able to actually understand what I’m going through. Everything made sense.

The constant tiredness, the sleeping trouble and my low mood. Acne and weight gain. The stress and dizziness. Mt monstrous cravings and the fact I never feel full until my stomach physically begins to hurt. All of these things I had always questioned about myself answered in a heartbeat. I was also able to start tackling my weight problem and looking for solutions to some of my symptoms. I felt hopeful seeing the journey of so many women who had made such great improvements since getting their diagnosis.

In the months after being diagnosed with PCOS I have begun making improvements. I take Liquorice root supplements to balance my hormones. Green tea has been my best friend. I have discovered the best way to lose weight with PCOS is calorie deficit, since the constant carb and sugar cravings make it incredibly difficult to simply eat healthy.

I have been told I’m losing weight. Though, I’m still terrified of stepping on a scale and putting an actual number to my weight, in case I haven’t actually lost anything at all. To be honest it’s all still a great struggle to manage. But everything is still very new to me at this point and if I do come to a breakthrough or discover something helpful about PCOS I’ll be sure to make an update.

If you got this far into the post, thank you so much for hearing my story. I am quite worried nobody has. Regardless if you’re reading this thank you for reading through my ramblings. Live Lively is a place for me to write about anything and everything, where before I’ve tried to stick to certain topics. I believe this blog will be the first step towards making this blog what I really want it to be.

While this blog was definitely difficult to write, I feel like it’s important to discuss these things. I found so much help in others sharing their experience with PCOS so if this helps someone, even if it’s just one person, I will be incredibly happy.